Vulgar, raunchy and seriously uncuddly is this Teddy bear.

One word kept echoing what was left of my brain while I watched Ted and desperately tried to stay focused on the on-screen action: Really? 

Driving home afterwards, I fantasized the pitch meeting for this movie, and it perhaps went something like this:

"So, we have Mark Wahlberg and his gorgeous girlfriend of four years, Mila Kunis and a potty-mouthed, bong-smoking, shot-drinking Teddy Bear. Huh?  Whatdayathink, producer guys and gals? Do we get the green light?” 

Producer man or woman stands up, smiling ear to ear and extends his/her hand. “We friggen love it. Let’s make this picture!”

Last time ... REALLY? 

Has it come to this? Has crudeness become the “Holy Grail” of American comedy, so that true wit and intelligence never, ever enter the mix any more? Was Ted seen as something so brilliantly original that mouths gaped at the idea of a totally preposterous scenario, and this insult to the senses just had to flood summer theatres across America? 

Sadly, the answer is yes.

Well, my curmudgeonly review notwithstanding, no doubt all concerned with this abomination are currently crying all the way to the bank. So be it. I don’t need to defend myself, but I will say that the laughs from the audience surrounding me were few and far between, more of the groan-variety one emits after hearing a bad pun.   

Maybe one has to be come drunk, stoned, lobotomized or hopefully all three to get off on this orgy of tastelessness. Popcorn and a large Coke just won’t reach those neurons in cerebral cortex which trigger hilarity, at least not for me. 

Early on in Ted, the eponymous hero comments to the four gorgeous babes sharing the sofa with him how totally unfunny is Adam Sandler’s Jack and Jill. Talk about “chutzpah!”  

Seth MacFarlane directed, co-wrote and voices the title characte of Ted, which is sadly a one-trick pony. Mr. MacFarlane is the creator of TV's truly funny and clever Family Guy series, which also stars Ms. Kunis.  

Ted is a slacker dude in every sense, except he’s not human. Get it?  That sums it up, and the rest is just rancid icing on a very obnoxiously baked cake. Want the whole 411? Here goes.

Ted begins with a pre-credit sequence that sets things up “once upon a time,” showing the child John Bennett wishing upon a star that his cute Teddy-bear comes to life. It does amidst much publicity (‘natch!) and soon we are in the adult world of Mr.Wahlberg living in an impossibly luxurious apartment in Boston, given that he’s employed in a car-rental franchise.

His live-in girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis), shares the rent, but it’s all really beside the point and beyond caring. What makes the enterprise so relentlessly depressing is that we are asked to accept this nonsense as somehow real and touching, and to suspend disbelief that we our protagonist is a stuffed animal.  If Ted were an animation feature, we’d at least know where we stood. 

A really nasty, violent fight between our “hero” and John is painful to watch, and a truly horrific subplot involving a psycho-stalker father and his obese son who kidnap and trap Ted brings the film finally to its knees. 

Sound like fun? No way, no how!

jim capistrano July 12, 2012 at 04:09 PM
I don't know what theater you were at but the kaleidoscope had a continuing wave after wave of raucous adult laughter...and that was on this past Monday might...with my 16-year old son. Oh...and not a whiff of weed anywhere.
Dan July 12, 2012 at 08:28 PM
Jeff, It's a rated R movie about a talking Teddy! Were you expecting Shakespeare?
annie long July 12, 2012 at 11:30 PM
Geez, bet your a load of fun to be around.
Mike Shrader July 13, 2012 at 12:40 AM
The graphics of Ted were great and the stars drew us in. However, although a fan of Mark Wahlberg, the vulgarity was over the top and insulting to anyone with an ounce of intelligence. The story could have been successfulwithout the "shock" value.
jim capistrano July 13, 2012 at 05:12 AM
...who was shocked?...you might want to hang around middle schools for a sense of reality...


More »
Got a question? Something on your mind? Talk to your community, directly.
Note Article
Just a short thought to get the word out quickly about anything in your neighborhood.
Share something with your neighbors.What's on your mind?What's on your mind?Make an announcement, speak your mind, or sell somethingPost something
See more »