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The 4th of July Is Killing Us ...

... and why it should be banned!

The Fourth of July is certainly a special day for all Americans and, by all accounts, it’s not so special for Ethiopians.

But in looking more closely at the trappings surrounding our day of independence, I question how good it is for us.

Oh, sure, it was exhilarating when slave Sally Hemings’ owner, Thomas Jefferson, wrote the Declaration of Independence and, subsequently, had it signed by leaders of our young nation (several of whom are my ancestors).

And John Adams got so excited that he wrote to his wife, Abigail, and told her not only that she should she pick up his shirts at the cleaners, but also that the Fourth should be celebrated with “parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires and illuminations.”

Nice going, Johnny.  And since then we’ve added all-American icons such as apple pie, hot dogs and Mom

It’s pretty obvious that the Fourth of July has become America’s day for self-abuse, decadence and serious injury.

We can start with hot dogs—studies show that eating these chemical carriers will instantly clog your arteries and give you diabetes.  So it’s not surprising that my research indicates that all hot dogs are actually processed by the al-Qaida, and further investigation shows, shockingly, that Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest is sponsored by Islamic militants.

And apple pie certainly has a bit of wholesome, all-American fruit (enough to fit on a pin head), but this pie is more about sugar, saturated fat and getting every American so fat they’ll all need seat belt extenders when they fly.

I’m not even going there with moms, since Casey Anthony is in the news right now, for allegedly murdering her child.  (Of course, it was different in 1776, when most infants died of natural causes, depriving crazy colonist moms of future angst.)

And these fireworks have certainly gotten out of hand.  Statistics show that more Americans have diminished eye-hand coordination after the Fourth than any other day of the year, primarily because on the Fourth of July more Americans have their hands blown off.

Most cities have banned fireworks for private use, although they’re still popular in Baghdad, Kabul and Detroit.

Now that lunatic Adams also proposed celebrating with guns, bonfires and parades.

Well, OK, this nation now celebrates every day of the year with guns.

And bonfires!  We have fires raging all across America right now, and so it’s obvious most of them have been set by patriots. 

And parades!  What was our third president thinking?

Parades are the first step (well, actually many steps) to peaceful demonstrations, then to angry protests, and then, of course, these protests inevitably lead to violent riots.

There is simply no way this country can mix marching bands playing bellicose anthems, bitter veterans, killer hot dogs (IEDs for the heart), cotton candy (pink and innocent, this subversive sugar assaults the brain) and unruly, pubescent Cub Scouts on a hot, summer day and expect nothing less than chaos.

The Fourth of July is not a good day for Americans.

And I haven’t even mentioned barbecues and third-degree burns.

Monica Narveson July 05, 2011 at 01:17 PM
Come to think of it.... Everyday is killing us!
Judith Anderson July 05, 2011 at 04:34 PM
Great written thoughts as an anti-climax to yesterday, thank you Mark, even though I submitted photos of the delightful side of the 4th. Check out, and tell me if any fit your article, maybe eating the cheesecake instead of pink, fluffy, sugary cotton candy? Gee, my hometown DETROIT still allows citizen's fireworks? BTW, U need a more representative profile pic :-) ! JJ Anderson
Sharon Kay July 05, 2011 at 10:10 PM
Oh Poop! I still believe in the celebration and the family having a day to sing, ride bikes that are decorated, play games, eat whatever they want, marvel at fireworks and teach the kids about their ancestors that worked so hard securing them a right to wave our beautiful flag and eat to many sweets.

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