Wraps, Osmosis, Doughnuts—Diet Tricks for the Gullible

I am the most marketable (gullible) person in the world.

You could sell me the promise of a beach-ready, bikini body with the purchase of a weight that you just shake-shake-shake. Pair that with a believable infomercial and it is almost guaranteed that I will send you my credit card for the four easy payments of $99.95.  

So it should be no surprise that when I was invited to a “wrap” party—with the promise of losing at least an inch off of any part of my body—that I was there.  A friend posted on Facebook her amazing inches lost and invited me to her house in San Jan Capistrano to experience firsthand the product she promised would “detoxify, tighten and tone” my problem areas. 

I pictured my body enveloped in a giant tortilla, but the day I showed up to her house, Mrs. Wrap greeted me donning latex gloves and a roll of plastic wrap. I was a little scared—not frightened the way I would be watching a Freddy Krueger movie. Rather, I feared that something akin to a Swedish massage by a really big Swede was in my near future. ...

After dutifully drinking a bottled water, I was called in for my “treatment." Mrs. Wrap measured my waist and belly (I mean, my rock-hard abs) with a measuring tape so we could compare my before and after results.

As soon as she opened the package, scents of menthol and eucalyptus filled the spa ... I mean her home office. Mrs. Wrap placed it on my targeted area and told me to spin.

I spun one way while she spun the other. She succeeded in wrapping the Costco-sized roll of plastic wrap round my body and securing the applicator tightly to my abdomen. I had visions of Fried Green Tomatoes with Kathy Bates and a strong desire to yell out, “Tawanda!” (If you haven’t seen the movie—you should, if not strictly for the Saran Wrap scene).

I'm no stranger to entertaining dreams of quick fixes. I once had a grand idea that just by purchasing the exercise P90X DVDs I would become a beach-body beauty through osmosis. 

Yeah, not so much. Eating breakfast while watching the DVDs didn't count either.

The "after" results from the wrap showed I lost a centimeter or three off of my "before" measurements—more than I could say for the osmosis tack. But I know it's not a long-lasting result.

As much as I'd like to think that plastic wrap has a magic component, there is no evidence that supports the loss of body fat—outside of wrapping my mouth shut.

The bottom line is that I would probably save myself the trouble if I stopped writing  in town.